Parrot Squawkings

Ramblings and Milestones

Lame is the New Cool
21 December
Mostly, I am a reader, writer, seeker. But I am a walking contradiction. I want the world to fit into logical orders and relationships. But honour, love, and loyalty are logical. And, although I don't believe in god, I believe that spirituality as a function of exchanged energy is not inconsistent with a scientific world. As a small child, my idol was Mr. Spock. In adolescence, I expanded my worship to include Aragorn and Eomer. They helped shape my character: I don't lie, I would do anything for my family and real friends, I tend to be both tolerant and judgmental, I would love to do something meaningful and heroic. But here's the first contradiction, I haven't really set up my life in such a way that that will occur. So recently, I stopped working at a very non-meaningful job and am trying to restructure my life to reflect my real values. My ex-husband once said, you can talk about what you value, but what really matters is how you spend your time. He was 100% correct, and I am now attempting to rectify that.

Air and fire are my chosen elements. Movement has also been integral for many years. I started spinning fire this year, which I've been dreaming about for about five years. Why I didn't do it before is pretty typical of me: I assumed that cool stuff was not for me, it just didn't occur to me that anyone could pick up a piece of kevlar and wrap it around a chain and start sporting fire. But now that I have, poi is a part of me.

Further contradictions: as a child I was a total tomboy - now I have designer dresses and $400 shoes and am known in my circles as a master (amateur) with make-up. I love children and am always the one at parties who will end up on the floor or running through the sprinkler with the kids, but I have no desire to have children of my own. Spirituality and connecting to nature is important to me, but I would not consider living anywhere but a city. Nutrition and weight control are becoming big issues for me, but I do not cook; relatedly, I believe in valuing animals, but I still eat meat (that seems to be sheer hypocrisy and laziness). The people I love most and like to spend time with are artists - in various ways (singer/food artist/hair stylist; carpenter; musicians; painters; etc.) - and I have for so long ignored the meager artistic talent I do possess and got into a career that is among the least creative I can imagine. That gets back to not aligning my values and my reality. Which hopefully will be changing soon.

This is harder than it seemed. I'm going to give up for now. Wish I could save it in a draft so the unsuspecting public is not subjected to this work in progress. I'm embarrassed to have it be on my page - please judge accordingly.